There’s this state I be in at times, by myself. But this isn’t any other kind of being by myself. And this is not feeling lonely, not at all. I’m not happy or unhappy. There’s no blaming myself or self-pity. It’s just me staring at myself… and there’s silence. And there’s emptiness, but not the kind that’s negative in any way. I’m not thinking about anything, but I am thinking about everything.

I haven’t read enough novels to describe this state. Maybe there’s just one word to describe it. This is one of those many things where I can only say “it’s just how it is”. Other people would do the description in such a way that’s so captivating that we would be in awe, and we’d think about it for a long time. And maybe post it on a social platform or two… But okay, even if it weren’t so good, at least they’d do it effectively, it would be understandable. And again, there’s no self-pity, I just welcome every thought. This moment is special. Sounds cheesy, but it is. For a long time, I thought “special moments” are for people who are… stereotypically cool or whatever, and not people like me who are illogical, unrealistic, weird, a loner and stuff like that, like we don’t have a right to call them special moments. But I’m glad that was before. And I’m really glad I’m here on earth… thinking about this. It’s not often that one gets to be in this state. You don’t decide to be in this state and just be there, no.

In this state, whether I’m winning or losing in life doesn’t seem to matter. ’Cause I know I gotta have some losses, lots of them, even. And my wins? I’m probably not “winning”. And strangely enough, I don’t wanna feel like I’m winning. I haven’t come a long way (well, maybe I did), but I…

See, this is where it gets complicated. This is where my “articulateness”, “well-read-ness” ends/stops/whatever all of a sudden. What do we mean by winning? My wins are certainly not tangible. And what’s easier than discounting or forgetting about our tangible victories? If you were to look at the statistics, you wouldn’t say “This guy is going places”, that I know almost for sure. Or maybe this is what slow growth looks like? Maybe I have started the journey of which I’ve never managed to think of as “began”.

These thoughts or this sort of being won’t actually get me anywhere in “the real world”. But apparently, I am this way. I’ve spent too much time and energy fighting it but to no avail. I obsess on every word, yet I am not good with words when I’m speaking, explaining, describing things. I contradict myself a lot, and I usually can’t tell when I’m not. I don’t come from a family of people who are good with words, and I didn’t grow up reading books. I am not a people person. I didn’t go to kindergarten, so I spend most of my time in my head, I kinda had/have to. I still find myself not recognizing common sense.

I’m not complaining because, why the world would be rewarding to people like me, people who go to these places? Then it’d lose its meaning. Getting money and all sorts of benefits, basically winning in life because you have different thoughts? Hah. This is the highest you’re gonna get being this way. Boy, you better enjoy this to the fullest, I tell myself.

But being okay with this doesn’t mean I want nothing in this world materially, does it? After all, they’re kinda connected. But how it’s gonna take place is interesting. Nothing is more exciting than contemplating, fantasizing and thinking about the how.

trying to learn how to think through writing